Long-time no-write, I know.
My last post was disseminated out into the world from a Croatian island inhabited by me and the guy that owned the "grocery" store.
This post, my last and final, comes to you from yet another airbnb apartment in the frozen bowels of Edmonton.
The last few months have been...hmmmm...interesting?
I spent a few weeks in Australia in October for a conference which was when I decided that I missed the ease of living in a culture and society I deeply understand.
And I also had the opportunity to visit a friend in Madrid for a few days in early December--ho hum. Spain. Who cares.
Following this, I house-sat for some American friends in a little village outside of Budapest for a number of weeks over the x-mas and new years holiday which I turned into a mega-writing retreat. The five weeks I was there involved waking up, meditating, yoga, self-talk to combat intense imposter syndrome, journalling to combat intense imposter syndrome, breakfast, editing editing editing, running, shower, lunch, editing editing editing, dinner, hoarders hoarders hoarders, sleep. Repeat. The isolation was productive, strangely enjoyable, but a little unnerving as I almost became convinced that this was going to be the rest of my life... alone, self-talking, editing, watching reality TV in a samsaric hellish cycle, never to meet a new friend ever again.
I was super excited to get back to Alberta, to spend time with, not just other humans, but family and my super bestie friends. Strangely, though, I was not super excited to leave Europe, regardless of the isolated state in which I found myself in those last few months. This isolation was a result of a number of friends leaving Hungary and the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to stay in Hungary and be gainfully and appropriately employed so leaving was inevitable... hence, I made ZERO effort to make any new friends those last six months or so.
I managed to submit my dissertation to UBC for external review last week. Now I wait for a defense date. I feel basically like I'm done. Done two days before starting a new part-time, temporary gig at the University of Alberta, which I started on Monday. Frustrated that I didn't get a holiday in between. Then I become less frustrated when I think about how much messing around I did on holidays this past 18 months. I'll be FINE without a holiday for awhile, I guess. And I currently despise the thought economy class while at the same time I'm unable to afford first class. A conundrum, if you ask me.
I'm living out of a suitcase again, indefinitely, as I wait on more other things around my future prospects... none of which I'll hear anything about from anywhere from 2 to 8 months. I'm craving grounding, rooting, stopping. I feel done with all adventure forever. I care about nothing going on in the world. I just want to get a dog and a vehicle and a great dental plan...and I WANT IT NOW!
Basically I have been in a state of mental suffering these past few weeks since I've returned, grasping for an anchor, grasping for SOME KIND OF certainty. But I've also been reminded of the wonderful and special connections I still have here in Alberta, my stoopid conservative home-province of almost 20 years- the drunk uncle of the Canadian provinces. Not only are some of my closest friends in this under-rated city of Edmonton, but so too do I have amazing professional connections who are rooting for me and doing their best to help me out-- also old neighbours from five years ago offering me their basement lodgings-- and old acquaintences who I'm so looking forward to getting to know better. I'm working in the same university building I worked in five years ago- same desk but two floors up. Basically, I KNOW this place and this place KNOWS me... and even after three days of my new job, I'm already regaining the same pride I felt five years ago walking to work in -20 degrees, when I felt tough AF. Years away in more temperate climates have turned me into a wussy baby... No such thing as bad weather, just inappropriate clothing, right??
As I said, this will be my last post for this journey. If my current mental state is any indication of what my future holds, there won't be any more journeys worth writing about for some time. In fact, I hope and "pray" I don't have anymore journeys...EVER AGAIN. So this is also probably my last blog post EVER. Thank you all for your interest over this past couple years! It was great fun for me to write and contributed to helping me feel connected to home. Peace and love.
My last post was disseminated out into the world from a Croatian island inhabited by me and the guy that owned the "grocery" store.
This post, my last and final, comes to you from yet another airbnb apartment in the frozen bowels of Edmonton.
The last few months have been...hmmmm...interesting?
I spent a few weeks in Australia in October for a conference which was when I decided that I missed the ease of living in a culture and society I deeply understand.
 |
| Moffat Beach, Sunshine Coast: where I learned the joy of going for runs barefoot on the beach |
And I also had the opportunity to visit a friend in Madrid for a few days in early December--ho hum. Spain. Who cares.
 |
| The famous Plaza Mayor, Madrid |
 |
| BREAKFAST of champs in Madrid |
Following this, I house-sat for some American friends in a little village outside of Budapest for a number of weeks over the x-mas and new years holiday which I turned into a mega-writing retreat. The five weeks I was there involved waking up, meditating, yoga, self-talk to combat intense imposter syndrome, journalling to combat intense imposter syndrome, breakfast, editing editing editing, running, shower, lunch, editing editing editing, dinner, hoarders hoarders hoarders, sleep. Repeat. The isolation was productive, strangely enjoyable, but a little unnerving as I almost became convinced that this was going to be the rest of my life... alone, self-talking, editing, watching reality TV in a samsaric hellish cycle, never to meet a new friend ever again.
I was super excited to get back to Alberta, to spend time with, not just other humans, but family and my super bestie friends. Strangely, though, I was not super excited to leave Europe, regardless of the isolated state in which I found myself in those last few months. This isolation was a result of a number of friends leaving Hungary and the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to stay in Hungary and be gainfully and appropriately employed so leaving was inevitable... hence, I made ZERO effort to make any new friends those last six months or so.
I managed to submit my dissertation to UBC for external review last week. Now I wait for a defense date. I feel basically like I'm done. Done two days before starting a new part-time, temporary gig at the University of Alberta, which I started on Monday. Frustrated that I didn't get a holiday in between. Then I become less frustrated when I think about how much messing around I did on holidays this past 18 months. I'll be FINE without a holiday for awhile, I guess. And I currently despise the thought economy class while at the same time I'm unable to afford first class. A conundrum, if you ask me.
I'm living out of a suitcase again, indefinitely, as I wait on more other things around my future prospects... none of which I'll hear anything about from anywhere from 2 to 8 months. I'm craving grounding, rooting, stopping. I feel done with all adventure forever. I care about nothing going on in the world. I just want to get a dog and a vehicle and a great dental plan...and I WANT IT NOW!
Basically I have been in a state of mental suffering these past few weeks since I've returned, grasping for an anchor, grasping for SOME KIND OF certainty. But I've also been reminded of the wonderful and special connections I still have here in Alberta, my stoopid conservative home-province of almost 20 years- the drunk uncle of the Canadian provinces. Not only are some of my closest friends in this under-rated city of Edmonton, but so too do I have amazing professional connections who are rooting for me and doing their best to help me out-- also old neighbours from five years ago offering me their basement lodgings-- and old acquaintences who I'm so looking forward to getting to know better. I'm working in the same university building I worked in five years ago- same desk but two floors up. Basically, I KNOW this place and this place KNOWS me... and even after three days of my new job, I'm already regaining the same pride I felt five years ago walking to work in -20 degrees, when I felt tough AF. Years away in more temperate climates have turned me into a wussy baby... No such thing as bad weather, just inappropriate clothing, right??
As I said, this will be my last post for this journey. If my current mental state is any indication of what my future holds, there won't be any more journeys worth writing about for some time. In fact, I hope and "pray" I don't have anymore journeys...EVER AGAIN. So this is also probably my last blog post EVER. Thank you all for your interest over this past couple years! It was great fun for me to write and contributed to helping me feel connected to home. Peace and love.
I'll miss your writing. But the thing with those mental states is they always keep changing! Maybe it's time to start a book now that you can put Ph.D. (well, almost!) after your name?
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