Oh, you know, just thought I'd sit down and write EVEN more after this weekend's self-imposed thesis boot camp during which I wrote..nay vomited...20,000-plus words (sorry to my supervisors in advance).
After shirking work for awhile with the arrival of my parents to Budapest, some time in London for "work stuff", and a road trip to Croatia with mumsy and daddy, I felt I needed to catapault myself back into work this past weekend. I was inspired to hunker down again by my friend and fellow PhD student in Brighton, Nabeela, whom I had the great opportunity to spend a day with while in the UK "working" last month:
Aaannd I had a meeting with my supervisor last week which is always a good catalyst for getting yer ass in gear when you tragically lose direction in your self-directed work due to having waaaaay too many once-in-a-lifetime experiences. Am I right?
The presence of my parents here with me for the past while led me to reflect on the relationships we all have with one another. Friendships, kinships, collegial, romances, and all the things in between...what's the point? And definitely what is the point when the relationships are not always awesome? Life is too short right??
I've interacted with a lot of humans this last couple months and I've experienced a variety of responses to these interactions, reminding me of all the learning that comes from interacting with other humans. We can be reminded of our tastes, preferences, and beliefs. We are sometimes reminded that we are, indeed, loveable. We can be reminded of all the ways we continue in patterns of thought and patterns of interactions with people that my dear friend, Harmony, has called "self-abuse". Sometimes we're reminded of all the things we actually deserve instead of settling for shitty interactions. We're often reminded all the things we don't want to be or become and, on the other hand, we are can be reminded of all the things to which we want to aspire. Reminded of how our interactions with each other can uplift us. Or tear us down. They can teach us, through good interactions that remind us that we're already good enough. And likewise through negative interactions that remind us there is room for improvement and reflection. People with whom I have the latter of these interactions, to add some positive spin, I endearingly refer to as "my gurus".
Since I have been acknolwedging the presence of these "gurus" in my life (so for the past 5 years or so) they have really mostly emerged in the form of romantic relationships and familial relationships. Even if interactions don't ultimately consist of uber negative external interactions, there are many internal moments where I have to make a decision, on a dime, to either 'HULK SMASH' or to breath through it and let it go (seriously though right? Some people just don't know how stoopid they sound sometimes!...Okay breathing...breathing....).
It is even these brief and passing internal moments that continue to teach me. On the other hand, very rarely will I have a negative interaction like that with my good friends, just family and loves.
While I think Elizabeth Gilbert (don't judge, I love her) wrote it well in Eat Pray Love about 'soulmates' (or just like a really passionate-lovey-dovey-romance, in my opinion):
" People think a soul mate is your perfect fit... but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back... so you can change your life. [They] are probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful..they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, then leave... [they] shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."
But I think there's room to interpret this as also referring to those closest to you, that have known you almost as long as you've known yourself (ie. family). And while my great friendships do not shy away from challenging me through mature and loving disccussions, my family and my ex-loves have meta-challenged me simply through their existence and our interactions. These relationships have shed light onto the deepest darkest parts of me and revealed all the shit that hides in the shadows, from out of which emerge a manifestation of all my foundational fears (I blame my parents ;-) ) in the form of my worst self...which I won't get into here. A girl's gotta have soooome secrets in her cave... and I gots me a Y-Y-U-U-G-E cave!
With that being said, while my parents were here I was compelled to return to a more disciplined meditation practice which, while still a relatively regular part of my life, has gone by the wayside over the years. The multi-years-long zen-state after-effects of a more disciplined time has begun to wear off, so it seems... or so it was revealed to me through some of my more recent interactions (not just with mom and dad but also I got real pissed at the rental car guy for their hack job of a business).
The fact that I'm fortunate enough to have two surviving parents who still hang out together and with whom I have a relatively civil and light-hearted relationship that includes lots of jokes about their impending death over a couple glasses of wine (my father and I certainly do agree on the absurdity of existence), was, I think, getting lost on me. During the time my parents were here, however, I had interactions with no less than five friends with either deceased parents or with parents that might have been better off deceased or with parents with whom they have highly painful and almost non-existent relationships. I was reminded of my good fortune.
And my insides went from feeling like this kind of darkness of biblical sky-drama:
To this bright side with a few lingering fluffy whiteys!
And now, as I reflect on my time with my parents, I realise there was also a real nice thick stress about not doing very much work and impending self-imposed/financially-imposed deadlines that was slathered and slopping all over my perspective, keeping me small-minded and in a trance of self-imposed suffering. So that shit doesn't help in interactions with others, am I right or am I right or am I right??
But that's what family does, I guess. Even if they think I'm a bit of an A-hole they still hang out with me. After all, it's not like I'm a Joffrey (it's so close I can taste it!).
But regardless, there were many moments on our road trip where the trance was lifted in spite of myself:
1) waking up at 5 am in a 200 year old Hungarian Count's house-cum-panzio in a Hungarian village to do some yoga to the soothing sounds of the village early birds; 2) running in the early morning along the coast of the Adriatic, leaping over discarded needles, used condoms and avoiding eye contact with goups of young Croatian men still up partying on the beach while the low-hanging dark clouds suspended in an otherwise sunny sky, cast a mystical purple hue over the water; 3) hanging out with my little stray-cat buddy catching sun rays after a frigid dip in the crystal clear sea:
4) Visiting places that seem they cannot truly exist:
Trying my hand at olden-timey day cooking:
Laughing with my mother about finding this in the forest:
And further laughing with my mother upon seeing this in Zadar's old city, the longest inhabited city in Croatia:
Reveling in how insignificant our little technocratic society is in light of a much older history of civilisations that have risen and fallen (ahem...you're next America, obviously):
And lastly (oh I lost count ;-) ), enjoying our last dinner together on a rooftop bar on a boat floating on the Danube, a stunning view of the castle and Gellert Hill, drinking wine and having my parents morph into my wingmen after I voiced my positive opinions about the attractiveness of our server.
In the end....awesome.
AND with a little help from a pad of paper, a pen, a rooftop terrace, and a few hours drawing pictures about my research while road-tripping, I experienced an intellectual breakthrough. Along with this attainment of some clarity came the inevitable next wave of lack of clarity. Hooray! Reaserch is fun!
All has now returned to normal and I am a work machine (outside of a few choice social interactions that most def leave me uplifted) and feeling HIGHLY motivated by the massive amount of work I have to complete this year.
The goal now? Cabin-fever-work-ethic-induced clarity as I stew in my new-found lack of clarity.
After shirking work for awhile with the arrival of my parents to Budapest, some time in London for "work stuff", and a road trip to Croatia with mumsy and daddy, I felt I needed to catapault myself back into work this past weekend. I was inspired to hunker down again by my friend and fellow PhD student in Brighton, Nabeela, whom I had the great opportunity to spend a day with while in the UK "working" last month:
 |
| Me and Nabs having some REAL fun at the Brighton Pier...she will not be happy about this picture |
Aaannd I had a meeting with my supervisor last week which is always a good catalyst for getting yer ass in gear when you tragically lose direction in your self-directed work due to having waaaaay too many once-in-a-lifetime experiences. Am I right?
The presence of my parents here with me for the past while led me to reflect on the relationships we all have with one another. Friendships, kinships, collegial, romances, and all the things in between...what's the point? And definitely what is the point when the relationships are not always awesome? Life is too short right??
I've interacted with a lot of humans this last couple months and I've experienced a variety of responses to these interactions, reminding me of all the learning that comes from interacting with other humans. We can be reminded of our tastes, preferences, and beliefs. We are sometimes reminded that we are, indeed, loveable. We can be reminded of all the ways we continue in patterns of thought and patterns of interactions with people that my dear friend, Harmony, has called "self-abuse". Sometimes we're reminded of all the things we actually deserve instead of settling for shitty interactions. We're often reminded all the things we don't want to be or become and, on the other hand, we are can be reminded of all the things to which we want to aspire. Reminded of how our interactions with each other can uplift us. Or tear us down. They can teach us, through good interactions that remind us that we're already good enough. And likewise through negative interactions that remind us there is room for improvement and reflection. People with whom I have the latter of these interactions, to add some positive spin, I endearingly refer to as "my gurus".
Since I have been acknolwedging the presence of these "gurus" in my life (so for the past 5 years or so) they have really mostly emerged in the form of romantic relationships and familial relationships. Even if interactions don't ultimately consist of uber negative external interactions, there are many internal moments where I have to make a decision, on a dime, to either 'HULK SMASH' or to breath through it and let it go (seriously though right? Some people just don't know how stoopid they sound sometimes!...Okay breathing...breathing....).
 |
| Me at the Zadar sea organ, smiling and sunny on the outside while my insides resounded with the mournful moaning of the sea organ, the volume and intensity rising and falling depending on the size of the waves... but seriously, the sea organ is one of the coolest inventions I think I've ever experienced... |
While I think Elizabeth Gilbert (don't judge, I love her) wrote it well in Eat Pray Love about 'soulmates' (or just like a really passionate-lovey-dovey-romance, in my opinion):
" People think a soul mate is your perfect fit... but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back... so you can change your life. [They] are probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful..they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, then leave... [they] shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."
But I think there's room to interpret this as also referring to those closest to you, that have known you almost as long as you've known yourself (ie. family). And while my great friendships do not shy away from challenging me through mature and loving disccussions, my family and my ex-loves have meta-challenged me simply through their existence and our interactions. These relationships have shed light onto the deepest darkest parts of me and revealed all the shit that hides in the shadows, from out of which emerge a manifestation of all my foundational fears (I blame my parents ;-) ) in the form of my worst self...which I won't get into here. A girl's gotta have soooome secrets in her cave... and I gots me a Y-Y-U-U-G-E cave!
 |
| My cave of secrets! Krka National Park, Croatia |
The fact that I'm fortunate enough to have two surviving parents who still hang out together and with whom I have a relatively civil and light-hearted relationship that includes lots of jokes about their impending death over a couple glasses of wine (my father and I certainly do agree on the absurdity of existence), was, I think, getting lost on me. During the time my parents were here, however, I had interactions with no less than five friends with either deceased parents or with parents that might have been better off deceased or with parents with whom they have highly painful and almost non-existent relationships. I was reminded of my good fortune.
And my insides went from feeling like this kind of darkness of biblical sky-drama:
 |
| Kornati National Park, Croatia |
To this bright side with a few lingering fluffy whiteys!
 |
| Kornati National Park, Croatia |
And now, as I reflect on my time with my parents, I realise there was also a real nice thick stress about not doing very much work and impending self-imposed/financially-imposed deadlines that was slathered and slopping all over my perspective, keeping me small-minded and in a trance of self-imposed suffering. So that shit doesn't help in interactions with others, am I right or am I right or am I right??
But that's what family does, I guess. Even if they think I'm a bit of an A-hole they still hang out with me. After all, it's not like I'm a Joffrey (it's so close I can taste it!).
But regardless, there were many moments on our road trip where the trance was lifted in spite of myself:
1) waking up at 5 am in a 200 year old Hungarian Count's house-cum-panzio in a Hungarian village to do some yoga to the soothing sounds of the village early birds; 2) running in the early morning along the coast of the Adriatic, leaping over discarded needles, used condoms and avoiding eye contact with goups of young Croatian men still up partying on the beach while the low-hanging dark clouds suspended in an otherwise sunny sky, cast a mystical purple hue over the water; 3) hanging out with my little stray-cat buddy catching sun rays after a frigid dip in the crystal clear sea:
4) Visiting places that seem they cannot truly exist:
 |
| Krka National Park, Croatia |
 |
| Plitvice, Croatia |
 |
| Plitvice, Croatia |
Trying my hand at olden-timey day cooking:
Laughing with my mother about finding this in the forest:
And further laughing with my mother upon seeing this in Zadar's old city, the longest inhabited city in Croatia:
Reveling in how insignificant our little technocratic society is in light of a much older history of civilisations that have risen and fallen (ahem...you're next America, obviously):
 |
| Dark ages church in the old city of Zadar |
 |
| Ruins of the Roman forum in Zadar's old city |
In the end....awesome.
AND with a little help from a pad of paper, a pen, a rooftop terrace, and a few hours drawing pictures about my research while road-tripping, I experienced an intellectual breakthrough. Along with this attainment of some clarity came the inevitable next wave of lack of clarity. Hooray! Reaserch is fun!
All has now returned to normal and I am a work machine (outside of a few choice social interactions that most def leave me uplifted) and feeling HIGHLY motivated by the massive amount of work I have to complete this year.
The goal now? Cabin-fever-work-ethic-induced clarity as I stew in my new-found lack of clarity.
No comments:
Post a Comment